Well, i'll start with a song that i wrote so many years ago, it's something i wrote during 8th grade i believe, and well, it stuck with me since. So yes, here it is...

SHOOTING STARS AND ANGELS

Shooting stars and angels,
the ones from up above.
The ones that look upon us
as the people that they love.
Shooting stars and angels,
I must wonder where you are.
Are you up above us,
or inside us in our hearts?

Can they be between us,
can they be inside,
do we look like angels
or shooting stars at night.

Shooting stars and angels,
i must think about your lives,
the ones that are so good to you,
the ones that might have died.

When angels are so sad enough,
that they begin to cry,
their tears become those shooting stars,
that fill up the whole night.

Cause shooting stars and angels,
i wish i was with you,
oh i wish i was with you...
Shooting stars and angels...

What can i say now... Well, there are just a couple things i'd like to address. Yet i kno those couple of things will lead to a giant conversation with myself, talking about the most random things, and leading to about five pages of writing. But good for you, and good for me.

Okay, so where to begin. Well i guess we can start with LIFE. This is going to be very, very long, and it will go off onto more and more topics, and yes, quite dense. So brace yourself. Anyway, life, what is life? Seriously, i don't kno? I guess i don't care really, but in a TOny sense i do. I mean, if i didn't care about what i means and what i think then well, why would i think about it? Obviously the thing is i just don't have time to think about life. Yet in the end, one of the biggest things on my mind is the thing called life. And not the cereal, and not the game, just the theoretical idea of life. And of course with life comes living, and whether or not we live, or not. Yet, once again what we must do is question. Question it all. Okay, well i've got a question. How do you know we are real? Even though we are supposedly alive, how do we know we exist? Life is supposed to be what we are living, or what we are living in, or just us breathing, or living things, or everything around us. But how do we know everything around us is real? REALITY, is a big deal. A lot of people take it for granted. For the fact is, reality can hit you at any moment. But what really is the reality? Even though, people can feel, and touch, and be hurt, and cry, does that mean any of it is real? Can't we all be just nothing? In this explanation i'm just giving a wild idea i thought of once. Okay, let's say that everyone is not real, then what are we? Well that leads to for lack of a better word, soul. Are we, could we, just be souls? Just floating in the nothingness that surrounds us. Yet then, how would it be bad things happen? Or how do we interact? Or how come things happen? Well what if all of it is done with your mind? Everything, every soul, has a mind, or a consciousness. With that, then life and things could be created. Yet see with this theory it doesn't make sense, due to the fact that the origin question would be brought up. But can't we also theorize that if we were just thoughts floating in a goo of nothingness, our origin could be from ourselves. Yet that wouldn't make any sense. So let's go to, what if actually were all watching a tv. Something on the outside, and since we are nothing, we used are minds to emulate what we saw. Say we saw a human drama show, or a soap opera and stuff. Then from there we emulated, created, made everything we have now, and all of it is just created by our thoughts. On one end, it is all global, and on another we have our own. This would mean our thoughts worked on a wavelength basis. ANd that there was an actual global wavelength everyone shared. As well as a wavelength for every individual.... Okay, whatever, this is just another incomplete thought. Damn...

Well, what is there to say now. Life, what a wonderul thing life is.

Well, this is just something added at a different time of when the above part had been written. Well, right now, all i'm thinking of is "have i changed." ? My answer is absolutely, i've changed significantly, and i know i change all the time, but in my point of view the question is "have i gotten better or worse?" Now that is what i'm really aiming for. God... have i gotten worse? Is it the fact that i am gaining freedom, or is it that i'm just losing a part of myself, and in turn i am gaining freedom, and becoming more... what i used to be. Good god, how time flies. Most of the things i kno in life are fleeting, never stable, never the same, never really there. Now, things are changing, and i've become different. To me, well i think i've just gotten worse. I'm becoming less of a person, and if anything really, i'm becoming less of me. Now that is really very terrifying. Me becoming less of me. Of who i am, TOny... i mean, to become less of me, is for me to be a step closer to me being nothing. At least nothing i like. What the hell is wrong with me! My thoughts have become less focused... No longer am i in a state of constant panic, or of unrelenting pain, and hate, and sadness, and extreme happiness and sickening glee... I've become different. I remember how i used to be, a long time ago... So calm, so cool, crazy yet my nerves were always calm. I was always tense, ready for anything, now... have i become lazy? Perhaps when i lost my edge to fight, i lost it all... that was so many years ago. Hmmmm, i'm thinking and thinking more now... yet more about useless things. I have lost any track of thought, i mean, i've got thoughts, but they are no longer as deep, as enlightened, just jumbled, even more so than before. For once i am scared, not of losing control of myself, or just snapping, or of breaking, or just closing my eyes, and when i open them again, everyone is on the ground... No longer, i mean right now, my prevailing thought is that it is all slipping away and i am letting it... Damn.
And the thoughts, they just keep repeating. I'll tell you one thing, i've always had a constant mental battle in my head. I mean, i'm not psycho, though how many people may think i am, i'm not. I just have many ethical issues, right and wrong, should or shouldn't, i mean, if you really knew me, which no one really does, except so many, then well, you might know what i am going through, but no one will ever really know that. Pieces, that is all i am to most people, pieces of my life story, all given to different people. My life from my mouth comes out every once and a while and something different or new is always said, i mean i remember just so many things, and i've been through a lot, i mean a lot of things terrible and a lot of things wonderful. If you put everyone i've ever known together, and talked about me, you'd get most of my life story. Due to the fact a lot of the people who could have told you a lot about me are dead. But that's a different story. And from death i have learned something, "Just because there are flames, doesn't mean that it's hot. And just because there are no flames, doesn't means that it is cold." Flames meaning fire in the first part, and the second it means blood and life. Whatever... So anyway back to, what the hell am i doing??? What idiotic decisions am i choosing? I mean, i know i'm only human, but at sometimes i believe that is a flaw. YET being human is once again, one of the most wonderful things in the world, without humanity, life, any thing, i don't think i'd want to live. You kno, i put myself down a lot, not as much as many others but i mean, i kno a lot about myself, and not in some sicko way either. Like for example, there are people who weigh nothing, and think they are fat. See, I myself am fat, and do i have a problem? Nope. I mean, low selfesteem and stuff is a really big problem nowadays. But i have an easy solution. "Kno yourself" and once you've done that, you'll kno that you're fine, and that what other people say really really does not matter. Only what you think of yourself matters. Then of course i can say this to others, but to myself it just doesn't work. Yet in a sense it does. See i kno this, and realize many things about life and myself, and everything like that, yet the point is, that i keep problems for myself, flaws, i make things horrible for myself sometimes. Why??? Because, i can, it keeps me busy, my mind wanders less, i'm more focused. I don't know, a whole load of crap. I have really nothing in life i that i do not have now. I can truly say i am happy. Yet see, even when bad thigns happen, i'm okay. How is that? i like myself, i kno myself, and i am myself, <== that one is a bit iffy. Yet really though, i handle many things better than most. I just sometimes make it seem really bad because, i have nothing else better to do, it just seems easier to be more wild, and it scares people when i'm calm. Or when i act calm or it could really scare people more when i'm crazy. I mean, i don't know that fo shuh. But i mean, i guess it, i think it, i really don't know tho. A lot of times now, i just don't know a lot of things, yet i do know myself... well enough. =) I mean, it's nice thinking, "Hey i want to be thin. Or Hey i want to look good so people like me. Or damn that chicks fine, maybe she wants to jump my bones!!!! AH!!!" =P no no no. I kno that is no way to think, and i think nothing like that. But right now, i'm just thinking very crazy. Crazier than usual. =P What is my problem? Maybe i think too much... hmmm... maybe i over analyze... maybe i just don't think correctly. Yet see, what i think matters, then why am i rambling on and on like this? It's because i can, and cause i need to voice things out so i can truly understand what it sounds like when it's not inside my head. Hmmm, i don't know. I mean, what's my problem? A lot of things, i mean, sure i've got problems, issues, and all those other things, but i kno i'm a lot happier than most of the people i kno. Especially the extremely ignorant ones, or the ones kept in bubbles at home, or the ones who have yet to face death and laugh. In the end, i kno that nothing really matters, and that i live for what? I live for me, and i live for others, and i live for others for me, and others live for me as well. And i love life, and life loves me, yet life hates me and i hate life, and i just want to keep going and going. Sadly this is how i am constantly, i mean, i like my mind going, moving, thinking, getting myself in and out of trouble. I can say that "I like myself" =) I can a lot of things. I mean, some people say actions speak louder than words, but then of course i can speak much louder than many peoples actions. =) naw, j/k, i just think, words, communication, languages, all of that, sounds, music, everything, is wonderful. I wish my mind rested sometimes, but then i'd get bored. ANd me getting bored is very very very bad. SO anyway, well, where else can i go from here? Is there anyone really reading everything i write? I mean, it's just thoughts, and thoughts come out of everyone. Suppossedly thoughts are just mixed and matched in others and that's where new thoughts come from, but then where did the original thoughts come from? HUH??? Damn it! See, i still think that there are original thoughts, none of that, other people have opinions and thoughts and then you listen, then you intergrate it into your mind, mix and match, flip it around, then come out with new ones. I mean even philosophers came up with original thoughts, then the more well known ones took those and put their own twists, but then of course there were still original thoughts. Good grief. Some people just don't understand that. Oh well, whatever, not like anyone really cares. See, okay let me explain why i say things like "not like anyone really cares" and stuff. I mean, i am putting myself down and stuff, and i kno, i kno i shouldn't think that way. Yet i just want to, i mean, i love knowing people like what i write, yet i say these things cause i'm a very bitter person, not as bitter as many other people in the world, but i am kinda bitter still. So i say those things, cause i get frustrated and i just let a "who cares, and a no one gives a fuck anyway" kinda thing. Don't get offended, i love what you guys think, i just say stuff. Don't worry. See, i explained earlier that words and stuff are wonderful, and that i must also add that they are very powerful, yet the thing is, as humans, they use words very, very loosely. And so do I. I don't know, all in all, i'm just being, me. Even though at this time, me is very... out of it. =) Oh well, just time will tell.

And later, will it really seem that time has told at all?